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Brian Assuntion a Turner-prizewinner in his first game for the Hands, Brian came on tour to Amsterdam in 2001, where he scared some Dutch with his 17 stone frame, and scared us too by doing the 'Haka' at us, for real. Brian is a decent guy, but by the end of the tour it had become a real problem that Brian insisted on making quite so many assumptions, which really weren't justified. As well as the Turner prize he also won the prestigious 'worst name' and 'least hair awards.' But why did he have to go around making all those outrageous assumptions? |
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'Special New' Tim Allen joined the Hands as a welcome addition in the 2001/02 season. He acquired his nickname due to the Hands being 'blessed' with a surfeit of Tims (see 'Cunt', 'Stupid', and 'Fat Slow'). Once found himself drunk in Delft, Holland, in a room where you were only allowed to fight if you were wearing a jacket. His reaction was to grab a jacket from the nearest dutchman, and to go about wreaking havoc. He thus won the tour award for 'man most up for a ruck.' He burnt most of Little Hugo's hair on the last night, it wasn't me. He's been on Blind Date, where he made a cunt of himself. And he made fewer assumptions than Brian did. |
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Alex Smyth. This athletic back-rower lived next to Hands Towers for a year, although he was never actually allowed inside the house. In the 2001/02 season he got in by the 'back' door through forcing his way into the Hands 'back' row. Do you see the double pun I am making? Clever eh? Pronounced unanimously as 'gentlemen of the tour' in Amsterdam, Alex is an easy-going guy with a streak of cuntience beneath. That's what Brian told me anyway, but that was probably just an assumption. Alex also played in the founding game of the London Wandering Hands |
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A useful man to have around, Paul Carpenterplays at prop or second row, and is another man who debuted in the 2001/02 season. Another tourist to Amsterdam, he won the award for daring to wear a shirt on bad-taste-shirt-night that even Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen might have thought twice about. Paul is a big fan of Elton John - he owns all his albums, and met him once. His hobbies include wondering what to do next and going to the opera. Brian assumed that Paul knew all the words to 'Let's Dance' by 5ive, which is not actually the case. |
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