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David Anderson - seen here proclaiming hisn own genius (either that or his own constipation), Dave transformed himself this season from a Hands joke to the |
bedrock of the 99/00 side. A versatile forward, Dave complains equally about playing in the front or back row, but he has performed with much credit in both. He never seems to make a mistake on the pitch, and he would probably be quite fit by now, too, if he wasn't continually on the piss. Someone once calculated that over his entire life Hugh Heffner, the founder of Playboy must have shagged his way through a jumbo-jet’s weight of female flesh. Dave has accomplished this feat in a single evening - with the same ‘girl’. He fought valiantly for the title of ‘Hand who has played while hungover most often’, but narrowly lost out to Dom. |
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Andy Jones is a jovial fellow, and who wouldn't be if they had just had a season like he had? Andy scored 81
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points in the 99/00 season, the highest total in Hands' history. He also saved us from the indignity of losing to the Engineers in the early-season by running from halfway to score the equalising try. A fullback or center with a useful turn of pace, he is incredibly hard to stop, and has bigger thighs even than some of the ‘girls’ that Dave has pulled. If he has less success with 'girls' than Dave, this is only due to the fact that he has someone's forearm surgically attached to his face, which weighs his head over to one side (see photo). |
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Joel Woolf is a peculiar fellow. At first glance, he is 17 stone, enormous and quite, quite furious. But on closer inspection he is very small. Notice the rugby |
ball he carries - he must be one of the smallest player to put on a Hands shirt! Joel has been known to pull girls, but he always complains he never has any to bring to 'Ladies night' - presumably because at some point they actually talk to him and realise their terrible mistake. His hobbies include staring poker-facedly at beautiful lap-dancing women, and having erections in the Frog and Toad. |
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Matthew Morgan has, on many, many occasions, been nominated as the gayest 'man' in the Hands. The ridiculous fitness of his bird is not |
even enough to dispel such rumours, as most suspect (and fervently hope) it is a marriage of convenience. Matt's label of choice is Diesel - Hands everywhere delight in ripping his clothes to the anguished cry of 'Ow me Diesel!'. A converted footballer, Matt's fine kicking from fly half brought an extra dimension to the Hands game in the 1998/99 season, and he has had brief cameos since then as well, such as winning the Turner prize for his performance on tour. Hobbies include preening, examining mirrors, spending time with himself, and being gay. |
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