Oliver Pool

Name: Oliver Pool Debut: Engineers 1998 Honours: Club captain; captain 1999-2005; Intra-mural league winner 1999, 2000, 2001; Top intra-mural try-scorer ever (I reckon); Intra-mural netball champion 2001; Teddy’s 10s winner 2003; Brussels 10s finalist 2004; Tallinn 10s winner 2005; Teddy’s 7s plate winner 2005 Tries: 50 Cousin: Olivia Poulet, actress

It would be highly immodest of list-keeping obsessive-compulsive snot-nosed wheat-intolerant seedy little gay Nazi Oliver Pool to write a profile of himself. A great fan of quotations, Oliver’s favourite is “It’s hard to be humble when you’re as great as I am” which, I believe, was said by Garfield the Cat. Oliver likes cats, good manners, and PG Wodehouse. He has never won the Turner prize in nearly 60 outings, which tells its own story. Pool is an out-and-out left winger.