The Hands' fourth season was another good one, and it closely followed the model of the 98/99 season. After a terrible and difficult start to the year, the Hands flourished and won the inter-mural league with room to spare. If it was done in less fairy-tale style, it was nonetheless more assured and efficient.
The direness of the early season has perhaps been somewhat exaggerated. The first match was against the Vets. The Hands could only summon 13 players, and the match was not a good one, played as it was in very soggy conditions. Matt Morgan’s magnificent kicking kept the Vets’ late surge at bay, and the match was drawn at 10-10, the Hands scoring two tries to the Vets’ single one.
The next match of the season was against the Medics. The Hands managed to field 15, but it was a side which had been organised in haste. While it cannot be denied that the side contained 12 or 13 players who were first team players by the end of the season, the Hands had yet to find any cohesion, and probably deserved the 36-0 hiding they took. It could only be uphill from here.
The Hands were still looking for their first victory when they played the Engineers, the old enemy. However, it did not look good for the Hands - once again they were short staffed, playing without a back row, and with Doug at prop, for example. Nevertheless, the Hands led for much of the game, but when the Hands threw away a 5 point lead late in the second half, it looked at though we were going to have to suffer the ultimate indignity. We were saved by one of the moments of the season - Andy’s surging run from halfway to touch down under the posts. Cunt Tim missed the conversion to leave the final scores level.
Another dark day followed for the Hands. A seriously under-strength Sunday side took the field against the Vets, with only five of the players who were later to be the first team. Critics said that the match ought to have been called off as the Hands could find so few players, but it went ahead anyway, and the Hands conceded four tries. Beaten in the loose and wasting ball in the backs, the Hands were a long way from the dominant side that they were to become a matter of months later. One might argue that three of the Vets’ tries were breakaways, and two of them were due to single missed tackles by one man (Pool). Nevertheless, the Hands were deserving losers.
This bad patch was, ironically, ended by a defeat. In the biggest game of the intra-mural season, the Hands took on Robb College, a foreign touring side for the University of New England. Robb were big men, and they had played together a great deal. The Hands were still little more than a scratch side, in fact this match saw debuts from Gunther, Little Hugo, and it was Dom’s first match at 10. The Hands put in a combative performance and against such a strong side, it was highly encouraging to see us winning any ball at all up front. The defence came together, and was as good all game as it had been in patches in all the previous matches. Robb put down 5 tries - but they adjudged the Hands to be the most competitive side that they had played while on tour. The Hands were able to take a lot of credit from the game, and deserved what was a very good night out afterwards.
Thus when the Hands triumphed against Badock in January, it did not feel like the first victory of the season. Christmas hangovers had perhaps not entirely worn off - critics might have said that the 22-7 victory was a little thin, when the Hands had such a strong side on the field. The pack was one of the strongest of the season, and they were perhaps too generous with the ball - the backs were too keen to drop it, and on a blustery day it might have been better to work it up front. Nevertheless, two particularly good tries were scored in the backs, in one of the few occasions that the back three began to work as an effective attacking and defensive unit. Badock’s try, which most thought ought to have been disallowed, was one of only two tries conceded in these next nine matches. 19 men turned up for this game - it was clear that the Hands’ fortunes were on the turn.
The Hands next swiftly dismissed a sub-standard Manor Hall side, who gave up at half time, by which time the Hands were 33-0 up. After half-time we played 10 a side, and it was more of a gentle run out for the Hands. The next game was the return bout with the Engineers, who fancied their chances. 23 Hands turned up, as many of the 98/99 exiles had returned. The Hands were dominant throughout, although they only scored two tries. The front five had found the massive strength that was to be the bedrock of the Hands future successes, and the backs were becoming less wasteful with the ball. The Engineers claimed that they had played badly, but this was because the Hands had never let them hit their stride - they ran out 18-0 winners.
Two soft matches followed, against Badock (31-0) and University Hall (71-0). The Hands had moved onto higher levels, and there was a certain amount of grumbling in the camp - real opposition was needed. Despite the final 41-7 score-line, the Wills game was no soft match. Wills had a couple of turncoats on their side, and had several other talented players, but the Hands never let what was quite a strong side get going. This was probably the Hands best and most cohesive performance.
A couple of scores remained to be settled before the final. The Medics avoided us, but the Vets chanced their arm in the last game before the finals. The magnitude of the Hands victory was partly because the Vets turned up very shortly before kick off - almost all the Hands’ points were scored early in the first half. After that the Vets woke up, and played a lot better - the 32-0 score-line flattered the Hands, but there was no doubting that they had come a long way since the last time they had played the Vets.
The Hands were clear favourites for the finals. They quickly dispatched Badock in the semis, where conserving energy was a priority, and the score might have been greater if the side had not been tinkered with continually. The Vets looked to have got some useful ringers in, but in they end they were beaten by a determined Engineers side. In the final the Engineers had nothing to lose, and tried hard for an upset. However, while the Hands never quite hit their full stride, they never looked in danger. Although they were only 8-0 up at half time, and although the Engineers had a couple of good spells, the Hands were never really threatened, and after Dom went under the posts, the game, and the final, was secure. The final chapter of the Hands season came at the AU dinner, where the Hands were presented with the intra-mural trophy, and behaved like the total cunts that they were.
It was a good season. It is thus that the Hands will be playing University sides next year, finally fulfilling their destiny - the Wandering Hands was set up as an alternative to University rugby, and, after 4 years of growth, they will finally be competing with such opposition on their own terms. But no one minds winning - a nine match unbeaten streak is always satisfying, whatever the opposition, and it was only so easy because we were so good. If it was perhaps a little easy, this was only because of the strength and ability of the side that was assembled.
And what a side it was. John Howells [6 caps, 1 try] is a very strong prop with a massive pair of shoulders. John brought an extra edge to the front five on all six occasions that he played. A very physical player, John runs without finesse or elegance, but with a great deal of power and strength, which are far more effective for him. A nasty man to have to tackle, John really came into his own in the set pieces. John, however, is rather injury prone - last year it was a sexual injury, this year he tore ligaments in his ankle during the second game against the Engineers. His loss was always a blow to the Hands - but this year we were very fortunate indeed to have other talented front row players.
One such was Simon ‘Skippy’ Little [10 caps, 1 conversion(!)]. While a knock to the head left him playing fullback against Badock, it was at prop where he really flourished, and was surely one of the players of the season. A very combative and competitive player, Skippy’s competitiveness was demonstrated by the fact that he refused to relax even when 71 points up against UH - he still delighted in frustrating and baiting his opposite man. Skippy’s strength in the loose was another bonus, and his presence was always missed when he was absent.
Joe Lister (9 caps, 5 tries) debuted for the Hands against the medics at scrum half, although it soon became clear that his hooking and throwing-in skills were invaluable, and he made the hooker’s berth his own. Joe has a compact and powerful frame, and is surprisingly fast too - skills that have helped him greatly in his glittering sevens careers. His powerful bursts around the fringes won him five tries, making him top equal try-scorer. The Hands will certainly miss his multi-faceted game next year.
Dave Anderson (12 caps) played in the front and back rows this season, and complained bitterly about having to do both. However it was very useful to have a player of his versatility to call upon. Dave’s game is technically very sound, and it was rare that he made any mistakes. Dave was surprisingly dedicated to the Hands cause - he made up for his heavy drinking with regular sessions of circuits every week. A regular fixture in Wedgies, Dave was one of the most successful Hands with the girls, although, of course, that depends on your criteria for what exactly constitutes a ‘girl’.
Aled Charles (10 caps) - a massive great second row, Aled was a bonus in the Hands front five. His line-out takes were particularly important, as was his strength with and without the ball. Aled’s presence was especially valuable in the early season when it was very difficult to find decent front-five players. Aled was involved in the best fight of the season, when he laughed at a Medic, who subsequently started on Aled, but ended up taking a bit of a beating himself, and getting sent off.
Richard Morgan (4 caps) a huge hulk of a man, Richard was once on the books with Swansea RFC, and it is obvious why. His ball-winning against Badock in his debut was massively impressive, as was his mobility around the park, and general all round skills. He developed a stranglehold in the lineout with Joe’s adept throwing in. Richard will probably move onto ‘better’ things next season, the rugby world being his oyster, but he will always be welcome in the Hands camp.
Gunther Köenig (9 caps, 1 try) had featured as a bit-part player in the 98/99 campaign, and after his defection from rowing this season, his fitness led to his being played in the back row against Robb College. However, lock was his more natural position, and he formed a trinity of excellent Hands locks. The man tackles like a face-hugger out of aliens, a style which was wont to get him into the odd fight here and there, not that he minded. Unfortunately he will miss out on Hands game next year due to having to perform his national service back home.
Hugo Parkinson (11 caps, 4 tries) began on the flank, and after an unwelcome sojourn in the second row, Hugo made the number 8 shirt his own. A big man with an alarming amount of pace (which brought him a hat-trick against UH), Hugo is as good-natured off the pitch as he is combative and uncompromising on it. The man is also somewhat of a dark horse with the girls - perhaps the ‘quality’ foil to Dave’s ‘quantity’ tactics. Next season will be Hugo’s third for the Hands.
Douglas Pickles (12 caps, 2 tries) was vice captain of the Hands this season. In the early season this meant that the task of filling in for positions like prop fell to him, but he was rewarded for his graft later in the season, where he flourished on the blind-side flank. Doug is a cunt both on and off the field, although off the field he is perhaps a better-natured cunt. His moment of the season came when he emerged from a ruck to find Kevin the fat ugly Engineer’s blood all over his leg. He claimed he wouldn’t wash for a week (as a former room mate, I can confirm that that would not have been unusual.)
Rob Shrimplin (12 caps) had played a couple of games the season before, but was a more regular fixture in the side this season, playing at hooker, on both flanks, and then finally bedding down at scrum half for the last five games. It was an interesting contest when he came up against ‘Little’ Hugo Ward in the Wills game. His hassling at the base won the Hands a lot of ball, and he is very quick to spot an opportunity. When on the flank Shrimpy would turn up all over the place, and was often in the right place to make a last ditch tackle.
Joe Harvey’s (8 caps, 3 tries) late arrival on the scene was the only thing that could be faulted with his season. He began at wing, as the back row was over-crowded, but his performances soon ensured that he could not be left out. In Joe the Hands have literally ‘got their own Back.’ Joe was fiercely aggressive, quick to the breakdown, and the ball has a knack of finding its way to him at the right moment. His pace, fitness, and hard-man haircut meant that hardly anyone noticed the departure of last season’s no. 7, Bill, as their playing styles were so similar, and equally mindlessly aggressive.
Hugo Ward’s (4 caps, 1 try) season was curtailed by injury, but he has a good Hands future ahead of him, should he choose the route that his heavy drinking and smoking will probably dictate. Hugo is an old-style Hand, whose match preparation usually involved a quick visit to Wedgies and a few beers. Despite this the only times he showed signs of a hangover was when he was playing behind a beaten Wills pack. When he put on a Hands shirt his performances on the pitch were assured and adept. His accurate passing was a bonus to Dom when he was still finding his feet at no. 10, his tackling was tenacious, and his kicking and vision were perceptive. It was a great shame that a drinking injury prevented his presence in the finals.
By day Dom Turner (10 caps, 4 tries, 3 drop-goals, 2 cons) oscillates between the Hands and the UWE 1st XV. By night he oscillates his way around Wedgies, trying not to fall over. He had been tipped for the top in his schooldays, but that was before he discovered booze and fags. Dom is a magnificent all-round ballplayer, and his conversion to fly half was perhaps the captain’s single greatest act of genius of the season. Dom’s kicking was sound, and his drop kicking was also good, but it was his Larkham-style running that really impressed. He was quick to make breaks, but stayed on his feet with all the strength of a converted no. 8 when caught, thus keeping the movement going. Dom’s fitness improved in leaps and bounds over the season, and by the time of the finals he was firing on all cylinders, and showing true marks of genius.
Drew Chapman (11 caps, 3 tries) would otherwise have wormed his way into the 10 shirt, but due to Dom’s conversion he was able to retain his preferred position of centre. Drew had to sit out a lot of last season due to an ankle injury, but this season he really showed what the Hands had missed in the interim. His deft handling was a real boon for the wingers, and the quality of his defence was such that no-one ever had to worry about covering for him. His pace and size made him a real all-round centre, and the perfect foil to Henry’s crash centre.
And what a crash-centre Henry Parkinson (8 caps, 1 try) was. A converted second row, Henry had two outstanding moments in the season. One came in a Wills shirt, where he burst through far too many Hands tackles for comfort, and had to be stopped by a Shrimplin neck-tackle - this demonstrated his power and pace. The other moment demonstrated his often-overlooked silky skills - a run from the half-way line in the semi-final, where a sweet dummy and change of direction took him past a sprawling full-back. Henry is a jolly fellow on any night out, but needs more practice at his drinking games.
Steve Irwin (8 caps, 2 tries) filled in very usefully when the Hands were short in the centres. His eight caps saw him use an array of his skills. He has great vision and a useful long pass. He was also keen as horses - when his work allowed him time to play, that is! He was exciting with the ball in hand, too, photographic evidence of which can be seen on the website! James Wright (2 caps) also had successful games at centre and wing - however other commitments and injury prevented him from becoming a regular.
Jonas Osher (11 caps, 5 tries) was a regular on the left wing, and is as elusive on the pitch as he is off it, i.e. he never comes out on the beers. The longest-serving Hand, this was Jonas’ fourth season, and it was perhaps his best. His confidence grew as the season progressed, and he was really firing on all cylinders by the end of the season, scoring five tries in the last five matches to make himself top try-scorer. This is especially impressive from a winger when one takes into account the narrowness of the pitches the Hands played on. His defence was also impressive towards the end of the season.
Oliver Pool (14 caps, 2 tries) - the responsibility of becoming captain perhaps dented Pool’s form - compare his eight tries last season to his meagre two this time around! Pool swiftly realised his sudden loss of pace and altered his game accordingly, becoming more willing to get involved at the breakdown, for example. However, he still attracted a lot of unwarranted attention from the opposition, due to his past successes, his continual annoying shouting from the wing, and his silly hat. A bit of sprint training over the summer should restore him to his former glories, however.
Andy Jones (12 caps, 4 tries, 21 cons, 5 pens) scored 81 points over the course of the season, a Hands record. Had we only discovered that he could kick a little earlier in the season we might have actually beaten the Vets and the Engineers. Andy’s reliable kicking allowed the Hands to play far more confidently, but this was not his only talent. Andy touched 15 stone this season, and most of this weight was on his enormous thighs, making him a hard man to stop, especially when he hit the line at pace - this brought him four tries as well.
Matt Poole (4 caps) and his mate, Iain (4 caps), were useful, if sporadic, additions in the back row and front row respectively. They may well feature more prominently next season, but this time around they gave the Hands a welcome strength in depth. Alex Lucer (3 caps) was another welcome addition for the big games, when his university commitments allowed.
There were also dregs from last year. Lawrence Brown reared his ugly head for a couple of games as did Kirk Hullis, while Joe Appleby, Rick Maynard and ‘Big’ Rob Webber also found time to stop by for a swift single. Pete Wilder’s return for (3 caps) marked the revival of the Hands season - his versatility, playing at 8, 9, and 12 in one game was a real boon. Matt Morgan’s (2 caps, 1 try, 3 cons) and Simon ‘Ted’ Tedridge’s (3 caps, 1 try) presence allowed the Hands to perform with more assurance in the early games, and ‘Cunt’ Tim Ramsdale’s (3 caps, 1 try, 1 con) presence was also a necessary evil in the early season shaky-start. The Hands grudgingly look forward to the return to the fold of many of these unwholesome characters next season.
Comparisons with last season cannot be avoided. While our winning streak was longer this season, we were perhaps up against weaker opposition - there were no opponents akin to the Bristol Bandits, and the Engineers were not a patch on the Medics in the 98/99 final. However, the improvement was relatively greater. It took us six attempts before we won, but after that we could not stop. Imagining a match between the two sides is an idle exercise, although I think that the 99/00 side may have been that little bit stronger. What is perhaps most striking is the similarity between the two seasons - bad starts followed by strong finishes, and an ever growing team-spirit. In 98/99 we scored 326 points, in 99/00 we scored 319. Perhaps there is something about the phenomena that is the Wandering Hands that will always mean a certain constant standard of brilliance, flair, style, and behaving like total cunts.
Enough of this musing. I feel we all deserve a hefty pat on the back, but this is less important than the fact that the season has been a good laugh for us all. The AU dinner was the culmination of this, and two defining moment demonstrated it: one was the fact that our reaction to being given a cooling bucket and several bottles of wine was to shoe the water, throw the ice at each other, and to ‘pool’ the wine in the bucket, showing true team spirit. The other incident was when the very same chalice got pissed in, showing that the Hands have by no means lost their cuntience. But Loz’s mawkish and over-sentimental summing up in last year’s report still applies: ‘thanks to all those involved, I’ll never forget the season we all spent together.’